Truth Will Set You Free

It’s here!  2016!  Like most of you, I’m not a huge fan of New Year’s Resolutions.  They are simply a way to expedite failure.  Resolutions aside, it’s hard to deny the “fresh start” appeal of January.  It’s cold outside.  Why not roast some squash, spiralize some zucchini, lay off the wine and clean out that super scary closet? 

Alongside the freshness of January can come a side order of stark reality.  There are no holiday parties and sanctioned, rationalizable spending sprees to blur the truths we may need to face.  This time of year more than any other, I start thinking of one of my favorite quotes: 

“The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.”  Gloria Steinem

I love that quote because when I take a mental inventory of truths that have set me “free” mentally and emotionally, they have, most definitely, pissed me off first.    

One such truth is one we all have to face at some point or another.  It turns out, the only lasting path to a healthy body, mind and spirit is through super boring stuff:   exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, not zoning out when talking to our children and husbands, not drinking a ton, etc.

Yuck.  Those things have no jazz!  No spice!  No glittery appeal! It’s much more thrilling to think we can eat half a watermelon and one macadamia nut, do 7 butt clenches and wait the requisite 10 days for our bikini bodies to arrive.  Or that we can watch Bravo full-time and still have a connected, satisfying relationship with our family members.  It takes time to do all that other stuff.  We’re busy. 

Who among us doesn’t want to game the system?   We all know that nothing sweetens the joy of getting a new purse more than getting that purse for sale.   We all want the best deal on our new house, our new car, our new anything.  We are culturally hardwired to believe that there’s a faster, better, easier, cheaper way than the one all those “regular” suckers have to take.  We are special, so it’s easy to be seduced by the idea that there is a “trick” or a “shortcut” that will get us out of all that boring, time-sucking work. 

The truth that may piss you off:  You may be able to get a deal on a new car or a new house, but you can not get a deal on a healthy mind, body and spirit.  The phrase “you get what you pay for” has never been more true.   You can not find a healthy body, mind and spirit on sale.  Everyone, even Gisele and Tom, earn them in the most boring of ways:  Intention toward healthy behavior, every day.  Not during a grueling two week stretch in February before Spring Break.  Not once last Wednesday for 13 minutes.  Every day.  Especially on the days you don’t want to.  Booooooorrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg.  I know.   

The “will set you free” part comes from from embracing whatever truth is being presented to you.  When you accept a situation as it is, you have the opportunity to move out of the space of anger and fear.  Anger is really just fear in disguise anyway.  Usually we’re afraid of making a change because we’ve told ourselves a story.  Maybe the story in your head is that the change will remove all fun from your life, make you uncomfortable, or cause you to fail.  OR we get stuck in the fiction that we have some special set of circumstances that make the change impossible.  That particular story is comforting because it allows us not to change.  We tell ourselves a million reasons why we can't make the change, blink and hope the urge goes away. Acceptance allows us to stop spending time resisting the change and get down to the business of making the change.  

In the case of mind, body and spiritual health, I’m not here to give you an action plan because I believe it is too individual.  Once you accept whatever truth is coming up for you, you can begin investigating how to get it done.  Because I know you are a resourceful grown up with several devices at your disposal, I am confident the information will come.  It has been my experience that once you decide to make a change, help magically starts to show up.  Only you know what workouts you find vaguely appealing (Tracy Anderson, anyone?), what small changes or additions you can make to your daily food intake (Green drink? Bok choy?), and what you can do to get your ass to bed at a reasonable time and stop the kids from waking you up.  There is no one size fits all.  

The truth I’m currently facing, which I only know because I’m very pissed off, is that my cake pop intake may have to be reduced.  I’m not ready to give sugar up altogether and the phrase “juice cleanse” makes me bristle, but the fiery, adolescent-style acne on my chin is speaking to me pretty loudly:  “I know you eat healthy, dude, but chill on the pops.”  Damn.  Here I go!  

Happy, happy New Year!!

Keely

Crowding Out

Happy New Year!  I am so grateful to each of you who read what I write.  I have many more thoughts to share in 2016, and look forward to sharing the appropriate ones with you.  Who knows?  The perfect shade/formulation of peachy pink lipstick could be coming our way in 2016.  The possibilities and promises of a new year are simply intoxicating, aren't they? 

It turns out that writing requires many minutes of consecutive thought and with my children home from break, consecutive minutes of thought are fleeting.  I didn't want to leave you without a blog this week, so I decided that this topic applies to most of us as we approach January with a renewed need for veggies.  

Do you ever think you made something up, only to discover it already exists?  I swear I was overusing “borderline (wasted, itchy, etc.)” way before I’d ever heard of Chelsea Handler.   Peanut butter and chocolate?  Seemed subversive as a 7 year-old.

Recently, I was on the phone with my most favorite, most passionate, most knowledgeable health coach, Leslie Kocher (full disclosure, she is also my sister).  I was telling her about a blog I was planning on writing about adding healthy stuff instead of taking away bad stuff.

“You mean “Crowding Out”?  

“Um, what?  I haven’t named it yet.”  

“‘Crowding Out'.  In the health world it’s a term we use to describe the concept where, for example, you don’t take the white potatoes off of your plate, you add broccoli.  Over time, the healthy stuff takes up more room than the unhealthy stuff.  Eventually your palate starts to call for more foods that nourish you.”

“So I didn’t make it up then?”

“I have to go.”

It seems like everyday on the Today Show there is some study that proves it is NO JOKE Americans are killing themselves with the very thing that is meant to sustain them; food.  Is it the food manufactures, big industry marketing, big industry lobbying, fast food, lack of awareness, GMO's, lack of availabilty, chemicals, or sugar?  There are many more questions than answers.  

I believe there is no "one" solution.  For most women, food choices and eating habits are as individual, personal, and emotional as their upbringing or lipstick preference.  For me, about six years ago I got sick of thinking SO MUCH about food and whether or not something was going to make me fat.  If you tell yourself you can’t have fries, chances are you are going to want nothing but fries.  BUT, I liked the idea of ingesting healthy stuff with the fries.  I was "crowding out" before I knew "crowding out" was a thing.  I simply called it "eating fries and salad."  

Over time, I noticed that I was taking myself  off of the “caffeine is bad for you, caffeine is good for you, eggs are bad for you, eggs are good for you” carousel of medical studies.  More and more, I was running with how my body felt ingesting those items, with Michael Pollan's genuinely brilliant quote in the forefront of my mind, "Eat food.  Not a lot.  Mostly plants."  I am still challenged by the "not a lot" bit.  

“Eat food. Not a lot. Mostly plants.”

— Michael Pollan, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto

It turns out I don’t want to live in a world where bread and olive oil are off limits (I don’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity of which I’m aware.  If you do, God bless you). Giving up cake pops is outside of my willingness.  The joy of going out to dinner with friends shall not be squashed because I went macrobiotic that morning!   To be clear, I care very much what I put into my body.  I'm just no longer interested in following the medical study of the minute and telling myself that I can't have something I love because it's going to kill me.  My goal is to tune into what my body knows to be true instead of obsessing over every crumb.  That's why you might see me around town with a cake pop and a side of snap peas.

So, I have a kale smoothie with some other assorted greens every single day.  For six years now.  And in the morning I have steel cut oatmeal instead of processed oatmeal.  And I add chia seeds.  And I drink unsweetened almond milk and chew on blueberries.  And if I want a crispy grilled cheese for lunch (organic, hormone free), I don’t beat myself up about it.  I put it on a plate, crowd that baby out with a huge salad and think about lipstick or the world’s problems or how to get one kid to soccer while getting the other to dance.

If you want off of the “I think about food too much” carousel, give “Crowding Out” a try.   It's so genius you might just think you made it up!!!  

Side note:  "Crowding Out" works in areas other than food.  Try crowding out binge watching Bravo with meditation.  Or adding fascia rolling to your wine drinking time.  Careful on that one.

Keely

Judgment Season

Remember when Grey's Anatomy first showed up on TV?  Remember when the dialog seemed so fresh it was like excerpts from our minds?  Who wasn't in love with the fact that Meredith made bad sexual choices while intoxicated but her character got to be more than just those bad choices? It was the first time in pop culture I remember hearing the phrase…

"Don't judge me."  

I forget why, probably something McDreamy related, but Meredith was pleading with Christina, "Don't judge me!" and I was thinking, "Yes!  Yes!   'Don't judge me'!  Genius! I don't want to be judged either, Meredith and Christina!  I love this show!”

I don't watch that show anymore.  Now, I don't have to because we all say that phrase all the time.  Anything from having another piece of cake to another martini to spending $35 on lipstick and we're asking whomever's around not to judge us.  

I recognize we use the phrase, in part, to be humorous.  I also think it's an interesting commentary on what's really going on in our minds.  It's part of our cultural awareness we're not supposed to judge one another, but I think everyone would agree that we still do.  All the time.  Otherwise, we wouldn't request not to be judged so often.  Why is it so hard not to judge when we know how much it blows to be judged?

Side note:  For the sake of this conversation, I am speaking of the garden variety judgments we place on one another everyday:  She drinks too much, she eats too much, she injects herself with too much, she's not breastfeeding, she's breastfeeding in public, her kids are maniacs, she works too much, what does she do all day, why does she love that guy, and so on.  I am not speaking of horrible criminals.  I still judge them and I don’t have a lot of ideas on how to not.

Did you ever see the 60 Minutes that featured studies being done on babies to get to the bottom of whether humans are inherently good, inherently evil, or clean slates?  Two psychologists from Yale, Karen Wynn and Paul Bloom, conducted the studies and their findings are super interesting.  Leslie Stahl is also ageless.  Here’s the video:

One aspect of the story I found particularly relevant to judgement is that babies, according to Paul Bloom, Yale psychologist, are “predisposed to break the world up into different human groups, based on the most subtle and seemingly irrelevant cues.”  In this case, the “seemingly irrelevant cues” were whether or not the baby chose Cheerios or graham crackers as a snack.  The study found that babies were okay with “punishing” stuffed animals that didn’t like the same snack as they did.  Bottom line, there is significant evidence that, even as babies, there is “bias to favor the self”, even if it’s something as meaningless as which snack we like.  Kind of like judging someone because they wear too much eye makeup or gave their child a sucker.  

Seems like a mean trick, doesn't it?  We are hardwired to judge, yet we are told not to judge!

Don't panic yet.  Thankfully, the study also found that the older the children got, the more willing they were to share with others and actually have less for themselves.  The hopeful conclusion is that teaching compassion, generosity and non-judgement affects the way that children and, ultimately, adults behave.  It means that while we may have an instant reaction to judge someone for getting huge breast implants and wearing that shirt, we can talk ourselves out of it.  

How do we talk ourselves out of it?  Here’s my take:

If I'm sitting in my living room reading Ekart Tolle with a candle burning, I am totally down with not judging.  We are all God's children and he loves us all equally.  Yes!  We are all souls on our own journey, learning and finding what we need in this life to grow.  Namaste! Fast forward to the airport, shoved together with the rest of humanity, and I'm immediately wondering how all that crap could possibly be true. God loves everyone equally?  Equally?  I mean, look at that guy over there!  Just look at him!  If I agree not to judge my friends, can I still judge that guy over there?  Look at him!

When I feel myself wanting to judge that guy at the airport, I let that be my gut reaction because I can't help it.  My guess is neither can you.  But then I talk myself off the ledge. Take a breath.  He could be having a crappy day.  I don’t know what he went through that morning, much less in his life.  I don't know what his personal fears are and the ways he holds himself back.  I remind myself that I am not perfect, just look at the irresponsible amount of lipstick I own.  Who cares what that guy has chosen to do with his freedom to make decisions for himself about his life.  I remind myself that it sucks to be judged, wish him well and move on.

Humans are not supposed to agree on everything.  Humans were created with different skills, hobbies, interests, points of view, backgrounds, etc.  We need everybody.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that someone else decided they like science.  If cancer research were left to me we'd be in big trouble.  We need everybody (excluding horrible criminals, as I mentioned above) and the world is richer in every way when we have different points of view working together.

Practicing non-judgment also works for the judging you do to yourself.  You know, for not being good enough, pretty enough, organized enough etc.  Hopefully, you will practice non-judgment this holiday season and beyond when you feel it creeping up.  We’re already living gently, so I predict success!

One last thing.  After being wowed by JLo's performance at the American Music Awards, I have decided to wear a replica of her bodysuit on a daily basis.   Don’t judge me.  

Do you think my kids can hold me like that?  Hope so.  

Keely

The Year of Living Gently: Holiday Pep Talk

Thanksgiving time!  We are a few days away from a month long marathon of merriment, parties, giving and gratitude.  I love this time of year.  It's fun. 

Often, the ugly cousin of a lively holiday season is the punishment-oriented January:  Juice cleanses, rigorous workouts our bodies didn’t see coming, and nothing but swiss chard and quinoa.  Of course, there is no more drinking. And no more spending.  And we better kill it at work.  Many of us devote an entire month (or day, depending on our resolve) to punishing ourselves for all that damn joy and get back to “real” life.  At least until the Superbowl.  

Not this year.  This Thanksgiving, I am here to propose something radical.  I am here to propose that we do not punish ourselves for anything the entire holiday season and beyond.  You read that right.  I’m calling it "The Year of Living Gently” and I’m hoping you’ll join me!

The Year of Living Gently is not a step-by-step “how-to” of what to eat, what to drink or how to behave.  The guiding principle of The Year of Living Gently is that we’re going to treat ourselves with forgiveness, kindness, care and patience in all circumstances as we move, gently, toward what we know is good for us.  Even at a party.   

I can hear some of you in my head, “Wait.  It’s fun to binge!  I mean, it’s the holidays.” 

The Year of Living Gently doesn’t restrict anything.  In fact, I believe the attitude of restriction leads to an “I’ll start on monday” style binge.  We turn December into one big lazy Sunday like the time you ate cheese fries for lunch and then convinced yourself you may as well have pizza and a brownie sundae because you already “blew it”.   Or maybe your thing was deciding to have a couple shots on a Tuesday night because you already had three beers.  Or maybe your thing was choosing to buy that sweater you only sort-of liked because you spent a ton of money on other crap already.  And why should you workout?  You’re already gross.  

Not this year!  In The Year of Living Gently:

1.  Recognize what is really the reward and what is really the punishment.  

• Your workout is a reward to your body, not a punishment.  Even if you had 7 Moscow Mules the night before, you are not allowed to punish yourself for your lack of restraint.  Instead, you’re going to wakeup and choose a workout to support your body through metabolizing that mess.  Note:  “Gentle” is not a reference to the intensity of the workout.  Hit it as hard as your body likes.  The key is in seeing the workout as something kind for your body and not something you’re taking out on your body.  Avoiding a workout is a way of "taking it out" on your body, too.  You and your body are not enemies engaged in a war.  If you choose to see it that way, spoiler alert, your body will win every time.  Even if it’s a symbolic 10 minutes, reward yourself with some kind of activity every day.

• A night in is a satisfying reward for a previous night out, not a grounding.  If you need to sleep, sleep.  Everybody will understand.

2.  No food is labeled "bad" and if you drink too much at a party on accident you don't get to beat yourself up about it.  We are going to forgive ourselves and move on. 

• I believe that if you remove the label “bad” from a regular behavior like eating and drinking and shopping, you take away the “I must have lots and lots and lots of ‘bad’ now, I’ll be good later” mentality.   

• If you cornered your brand new neighbors at that party and let them know over and over again that you love them, no, you love them, seriously, LOVE 43 times in a row, you’re going to forgive yourself, think of something kind you can do for yourself, and move on.  Maybe a workout. 

• If you can't get your mind off of the cookie, eat the cookie.  Chew it.  Enjoy it.  Don’t work yourself into a frenzy resisting that cookie.  It gives the cookie way too much power. Crowd it out with the red peppers that are on the other tray.  Focus on the funny conversation you were having with Stacy.  Treat yourself to a workout, and move on.  

3.  You are only going to commit to things you actually can do and you actually want to do.

• We all have"crap of life" stuff that we have to do (making lunches, commuting to work, calling the heating guy, root touch-ups).   Committing to something extra you don't even want to do doesn't make sense.  Why take on the volunteer project that you don’t have time for just because that one lady gave you a weird look.  Is an overstressed you good for anyone?  Say no and move on.  

• In the Year of Living Gently, you're going to volunteer for things that interest you and say no to things that do not.  You're going to help in ways you feel the most useful.  You are only going to do anything if you actually have the time and want to do it.

I know, I know you're skeptical.  What's going to stop us from sitting on the couch all day?  Won’t we be eating, drinking and online shopping ourselves to death if we deal with ourselves gently? Punishment has a purpose!  It keeps us in line!  If we don’t punish ourselves, aren’t we just a stone's throw away from being narcissistic sociopaths?

I don't think so.  My experience as a woman observing the world has taught me you can't punish your way into lasting change and growth.  That overindulgence/ punishment program may work for awhile (your 20's), but if you want lasting health, both mental and physical, the only way to do that is to tune into your body and give it what it's actually calling for.  

Lasting change only comes through supporting and caring for yourself through that change. So many of us get caught up in the mental rehash.  If we stop trying to pay for "bad" behavior with guilt, mental energy, and busying our lives with stuff we don't want to do, we could use that time to figure out how we'd like to do it differently.  

The Year of Living Gently is not a license for bad behavior.  The Year of Living Gently also does not equate to living in denial.  If you suspect you have big, scary, serious changes that you need to make, the year of living gently is even more important.  The bigger and scarier the change, the more gentle you need to be with yourself.  It’s useless to punish yourself because you have a drinking problem or a significant relationship failed or your job sucks.  Often, the problem itself is a punishment. Support yourself by moving in the direction of the change and do it in increments that feel gentle and lasting.

Healthy behavior begets healthy behavior.  Good choices beget good choices.  We get so stuck in thinking we need to make huge changes in our lives quickly.  No way.  That’s hard.  Little changes, consistently executed with forgiveness, kindness, care and patience.  And let's have some fun!

Year of Living Gently!  Who's with me!

Keely